For my Intro to Communications class, I wasn't allowed to talk about myself for a whole day. It’s an interesting thing, not being allowed to speak. Of course, I knew that I could respond to direct questions. However, I couldn’t talk about myself or volunteer information. I had to listen—what a concept! The most interesting part of the whole day was what God ended up saying about me through my non-speech.
I began the day rather well as regards to the assignment. I basically went through breakfast without talking about myself—listening mostly, and asking some questions. Classes were simple—I merely gave the teacher a note telling him that I wasn’t allowed to speak, bar questions, of course. They both smiled after reading the note.
However, as the day drew later the harder life became. It wasn’t because I struggled to listen as opposed to talking about myself—though I caught myself failing several times. The later the day became, the more depressed I became. Of course, I couldn’t just let this happen. I had to discover the source of my depression! First, I had to find out what I was truly feeling. It seems as if I had a lack of satisfaction, coupled with an identity crisis—or something like that.
By my self-analysis—and God speaking through my self-analysis—I found that I find my identity as a person through how I think other people view me. Furthermore, I use talking as a way to control what other people think about me. Hence, when I’m not allowed to talk, I can’t control how other people view me—and thus my identity is lost, or so it felt.
Also, I saw that I seek satisfaction in the interplay of relationships. However, when I can’t contribute much, I lose that satisfaction. I seek to find satisfaction in pleasing other people—or, more accurately, in being appreciated by other people. However, how I can I feel appreciated by others if I don’t talk about myself? How silly I am! For when I walk about myself to other people, it isn’t other people who are appreciating me anyway—it is I who am appreciating myself! Wow, what a crisis I found myself in.
So, after I finished listening to God telling me what was behind my depression, I prayed. It was painful to see that I wasn’t trying to find my satisfaction in God—who isn’t as fickle as friends’ approval. Furthermore, it’s even more painful to see that I wasn’t finding my identity in how God views me—how I truly am—but seeking to find identity in the flawed view of other people. Much of my interaction with people has all been in an attempt to control other people’s view of me in order for me to determine my own identity—as opposed to being secure in who God has made me and finding peace in His patient pleasure of me.
In the end, I see that refraining from speaking can really say a lot. It has helped me to be secure in who I am, no matter how I think other’s view me. It showed me that I don’t need to take center stage all the time. It showed me that I can listen to a friend’s story without finding the need to one-up his story once he is finished. I don’t need to talk about myself in order to gain approval. Sure, I can talk about myself. Telling other people about yourself and what you have done can be an important part of relationship building. However, since I know that my identity isn’t caught up in other’s opinions of me, I don’t need to take the floor all the time. I can listen and care for others, knowing that my identity and satisfaction is secure in God.
I began the day rather well as regards to the assignment. I basically went through breakfast without talking about myself—listening mostly, and asking some questions. Classes were simple—I merely gave the teacher a note telling him that I wasn’t allowed to speak, bar questions, of course. They both smiled after reading the note.
However, as the day drew later the harder life became. It wasn’t because I struggled to listen as opposed to talking about myself—though I caught myself failing several times. The later the day became, the more depressed I became. Of course, I couldn’t just let this happen. I had to discover the source of my depression! First, I had to find out what I was truly feeling. It seems as if I had a lack of satisfaction, coupled with an identity crisis—or something like that.
By my self-analysis—and God speaking through my self-analysis—I found that I find my identity as a person through how I think other people view me. Furthermore, I use talking as a way to control what other people think about me. Hence, when I’m not allowed to talk, I can’t control how other people view me—and thus my identity is lost, or so it felt.
Also, I saw that I seek satisfaction in the interplay of relationships. However, when I can’t contribute much, I lose that satisfaction. I seek to find satisfaction in pleasing other people—or, more accurately, in being appreciated by other people. However, how I can I feel appreciated by others if I don’t talk about myself? How silly I am! For when I walk about myself to other people, it isn’t other people who are appreciating me anyway—it is I who am appreciating myself! Wow, what a crisis I found myself in.
So, after I finished listening to God telling me what was behind my depression, I prayed. It was painful to see that I wasn’t trying to find my satisfaction in God—who isn’t as fickle as friends’ approval. Furthermore, it’s even more painful to see that I wasn’t finding my identity in how God views me—how I truly am—but seeking to find identity in the flawed view of other people. Much of my interaction with people has all been in an attempt to control other people’s view of me in order for me to determine my own identity—as opposed to being secure in who God has made me and finding peace in His patient pleasure of me.
In the end, I see that refraining from speaking can really say a lot. It has helped me to be secure in who I am, no matter how I think other’s view me. It showed me that I don’t need to take center stage all the time. It showed me that I can listen to a friend’s story without finding the need to one-up his story once he is finished. I don’t need to talk about myself in order to gain approval. Sure, I can talk about myself. Telling other people about yourself and what you have done can be an important part of relationship building. However, since I know that my identity isn’t caught up in other’s opinions of me, I don’t need to take the floor all the time. I can listen and care for others, knowing that my identity and satisfaction is secure in God.
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